“Meine Bayern” is the name of the column by SPORT BILD reporter legend Raimund Hinko that deals with the German record champion. Hinko has accompanied the Munich team for decades.

Dear Jupp Heynckes,

stay calm and relaxed on the green wooden bench in front of the fishpond. Enjoy the golden autumn sun of the Schwalmtal, the scents from your garden, the song of the birds.

Bavaria will not perish. And don’t be angry that I overheard you and your shepherd dog Cando after four games of the Munichers without victory. That I still have a smile on my lips. It was amusing and allowed a deeper look than a look into a Wiesn measure at the Oktoberfest. Red Bus Bingo is offering enormous jackpot prices.

Would you like a small audio sample?

Yupp:Cando, why are you wagging around me like that? You don’t even let me breathe anymore.

Cando:Don’t think I’m stupid. It’s October. A year ago you went to Munich to join the Bavarians. And you left me alone on the farm.

Yup:Easy blood, Cando. I won’t let you down.”

Cando (heartbreaking howling):I know what’s going on when you try to be angry on your mobile phone. If you say’ ‘Uli, slide down my hump.'”

Yupp:You hear me. I don’t give a shit what Uli Hoeneß wants. I blast everything away.

Cando (with teary eyes):Do you think a shepherd is stupid? I can see how you blossom when you talk to him. How you radiate. How you sprint to the phone when it rings.”

Yupp:Because I’m a polite guy.”

Cando:And because it hurts you if the Bavarians smear like that now. We win 3:0′, you said Saturday at noon. And you didn’t mean Borussia Mönchengladbach, your home club“.

Jupp:There’s a lot of heart and soul in it when you’ve been a coach at Bayern four times.”

Cando:Who is this Chames? Or Tschäjms? You almost burst into tears when you talk about him.

Yupp:You mean James. That’s one of the best in the world. An artist with a fragile soul. He gets a stomach ulcer when he beheads a gate in Schalke and then lands back on the bench. You have to stroke him, then he pays back with world class.

Cando:Stroking like me?

Yupp:Even more often. Day and night.

Cando:Then why doesn’t this Niko Kovac caress him?

Jupp:The Kovac is 27 years younger than me and still a good coach. But so far he has had little to do with Latinos. And he can’t speak Spanish either“.

Cando (howling again):Please don’t leave me because of James. I have an idea: Just adopt him“.

Yupp (in an unusually sharp tone):Still Cando! What is this all about? You’d be jealous, howl up and bite his tight calves.”

Cando (with wagging tail):This James doesn’t have to live with us, uh, live. You could travel to the games. As a player’s father“.

Yupp (smiling):And if Niko Kovac doesn’t put him up? I can’t freak out in front of everyone?”

Cando:No, I’ll jump down to the bench and bite the Kovac.”

Yupp:Would you really do that?

Cando:Of course. But I think that Franck Ribéry will beat me to it and bite Niko’s neck like Oliver Kahn once did in Dortmund Heiko Herrlich. That can happen if he changes it soon.” Jupp: “Oh, yeah.

Jupp:Oh God, Franck. It has always worked for me. Nevertheless, I am not afraid for Niko. In old age the bite strength decreases. Also with Ribéry”.

Heiko Herrlich Honours 

As a player 

Bayer Leverkusen
  • DFB-Pokal: 1992–93
Borussia Mönchengladbach 
  • DFB-Pokal: 1994–95
Borussia Dortmund 
  • Bundesliga: 1995–96, 200102
  • UEFA Champions League: 1996–97
  • Intercontinental Cup: 1997
  • UEFA Super Cup: Runner-up 1997
  • UEFA Cup: Runner-up 2002

Individual 

  • Bundesliga Topscorer: 1995 (joint with Mario Basler)

As a coach 

Germany
  • FIFA Under-17 World Cup: Third place 2007

Individual 

  • Best Under 17 Coach: 2008

Iris Heynckes

The phone rings. At the same time the mobile phone

Cando (snarling):Now Uli is already calling stereo! If it goes on like this, I have to see a dog psychologist.

Yup:You know Cando, Uli just has to get rid of his grief. He has so many problems. All the national players who were in Russia at the World Cup fell into a hole. Not after the World Cup, but only now. The miller, the Hummels, the Boateng, the Süle. Even the newcomer wasn’t the newcomer any more. That’s normal. Only the Kimmich burns. That’s a super super boy.

Cando:Do you want to adopt them all?

Yupp:Then I can go right into the cabin.”

Cando:Admit it after all. You want to be back on the training ground with your 73 years instead of throwing sticks with me.”

Jupp:No Cando, all my bones hurt when I get out of bed“.

Cando:Then we have one thing in common. I don’t feel any better with my 13 dog years either.

Jupp:Then believe me that I won’t leave you. I invite the whole Bavarian team to our farm. That’s enough then.”

Cando (howling three times):I hang you on my leash so that you don’t run off with them to this hideous Munich.”

Suddenly the storm rings. Iris Heynckes, the woman of the house shouts:Yup, Uli is standing outside.”

Cando:Woof woof woof.

Iris Heynckes:He comes by to bring us sausages. And delicious bones for our good dog.

Cando:If only this isn’t a trap.”